


All Alone

by bbbatman3



Series: Threat to Survival [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Anger, Depression, F/M, Paranoia, Relief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 00:37:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14630352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbbatman3/pseuds/bbbatman3
Summary: Sometimes you just don't know what the fuck is going on.





	All Alone

**Author's Note:**

> First attempt writing on here. Excuse any mistakes.

It all started okay. Everything the same; everyday the same pattern of staying in bed and walloping in your fucking misery. But why was today different?

_"Breathe."_

You shake your head and curl tighter into yourself, protecting all you have from the cruel, isolating world around you. It's hard to tell if time is passing by slowly, or paused all together, but, no matter what, it seems like something's changed. A hand slides itself over the back of your head, resulting in a flinch that shook your whole body. The same hand nudges under your chin. What does it want? You don't have anything anymore. You're useless.

_"Please look at me. Please,"_

The voice was back. Who's was it? That thought was struck away by the jarring motion of your head being pulled up. You cracked your eyes open, wincing at the small amount of light floating in the room. Beautiful blue eyes met yours, and you fought the need to be closer to them. Looking closer, you found yourself wondering what would happen if you lost yourself in them. The different flecks of blue and grey, leading towards a pit of black seems almost symbolic of what you feel now. It's as if you're in an ocean, and you're being pulled down, but your body can't decide if you want to swim or drown. 

You can't do this. You're not enough. Fuck this. Why aren't you enough? Why can't you be  **perfect**? How can you change?

The answer is obvious. You can't. And that's why you are where you are now. Stuck in a stupid, annoying cycle you can't get out of. How about a shower today? No, sorry, you're too worthless and disgusting to deserve being anything close to 'clean.' What about eating something? That might help you feel a little bit better. You could try, but it wouldn't work. In the end, you'd only finish the day with vomiting and getting more and more sick. 

But that's not everything; no, not yet. Not only are you a complete fuck up, but you aren't good enough for  _him._ You aren't even  _enough_ for him. Eventually, he'll leave, just like everybody else. 

_**Am I sleeping? Maybe sleepwalking?** _

_"Come back to me. I'm here waiting for you. I need you."_

Your body feels weightless as two arms grab you and pulls you onto someone's lap, pulling your head into the crook of their neck as soft sobs begin to escape your body. All you can feel is them holding you close; protecting you, saving you. You know you don't deserve them. Them, him. It's all the same. He's everything. That, you know, will never change. 

Another, harder sob escapes are these ideas are brought up by your own, traitorous mind. His hand returns to your chin, seemingly pushing and pulling it at the same time. What is he doing? Giving you options? There's no way you would throw away what you have right now. The only reason you would do that would be to protect him from danger. Danger mainly meaning yourself. And it hasn't gotten that bad yet, has it? You try and push away this thought so forcefully that it shakes your entire being, sending your mind into a spiral of dizziness from a lack of trying and taking care of yourself. 

 _"Babygirl,"_ his voice floats over your head and circles back around to send its message into your addled brain. To respond, you gently nuzzle your head against his clavicle as it is all you can do in your near breaking state of being. A light chuckle, marred with a kind of cynical air, releases from his lips and sends the hair on the top of your head flying. 

 _"Babygirl,"_ his laugh turns into a sigh at your nonverbal reply to his way of asking if you will be okay.  _" **Wait. Wait for me. Don't collapse, hun."**_

You allow yourself a deep breath and a giggle when you realize what he's doing. Tilting your head up from your space in his neck, all you can see is his now ocean blue eyes swimming with tears. When did he start crying, you wonder. You hadn't noticed at all. Never mind that, your mind seems to scream, pay attention to him now. All you want to do is smother him in love and affection for having you. For keeping you. For saving you. And for dealing with you. It means to much. Though a small tear drops from your eye, you ignore it in favor of stretching your body out. You focus on uncurling for him; becoming someone new and better and fixed for him. When he is happy, everything you've worked so hard for seems worth it. No, you're not only bettering yourself for him, you're doing it for yourself as well, but his smile is the only thing keeping you from letting go of it all. He's your everything, and you will never let that go. Never. 

Before your mind runs wild again, you stretch your neck out as if you are escaping the water surrounding you, and you lean up to kiss him. He raises an eyebrow at the noise you make are you stretch before relenting to the kiss you give him. 

All you want to do is relish this moment. Sliding your arms around his neck, you press closer to show your gratitude for him holding you through this bout of depression and self hate. In your heart, it is obvious that you will do anything and everything for this man. For this god. For the only being keeping you from ending it all and escaping the pain through death. No matter how hard the task, no matter how long and frustrating the journey is, you will complete it. 

Loki. Loki, the god of mischief. The holder of your heart, your soul, and everything you are able to give him. 

Pulling you closer, the god himself whispers one thing to you:  _ **"Now, the only thing I have for you is a promise. The promise that I'll forever protect you. I can't go back on it."**_

Turning your head to kiss the side of his face, you smile, once again grateful for him and everything he has given you. Over and over again is the cycle of the calm and the storm. It is never ending, sempiternal. You love him, and he loves one. However, everything leaves you asking one huge question.

_**"What the fuck is going on?"** _

 

**Author's Note:**

> The song is All Alone by Blind Witness.


End file.
